I’ve had a very similar experience as you @stephneechan. It’s bit strange because I wouldn’t like to call my mom controlling and ruining my mental health but as bad it sounds it’s true… She always used my good and helpful personality as an advantage. I was always scared to go against her word. I never fought with her even though I didn’t want to do the things or listen to the crap she spoke about me. She would often fight with my sister because my sister was always more hard headed than me. Meanwhile I was scared of my mom because growing up she would always yell at us about ANYTHING. I was scared to do things and ask anything from her. I was always scared to make a mistake with her seeing because if she asked me to do something and I did it wrong, she’d yell at me how shit and stupid I am. It could be something like a thing being slightly miss placed etc.
I had to live with that since I was 10 years old when my parents separated and it continued until 2015 when I finally moved away from home (I was 23 at the time). When we still lived with both parents my mom sometimes would treat us unfairly but I always told my dad so he protected us and spoke with mom. When dad wasn’t there anymore living with us we had nobody to put mom under control and she would start controlling us.
It all got even worse when my sister moved out. She is 3 years younger than me and moved out already when she was 18. She had a boyfriend and my mom was tired of her bf always visiting us and my mom complained she loses a lot of money because he eats a lot and takes long showers etc. stupid excuses. She told to my sister to move out if she wants to be with her bf all the time. So that’s what they did, they started to look for apartments and moved away. I was left there together with my mom and these 2 years were probably the toughest of my life.
I had no job at the time so that helped my mom to control me even more. I had to do all the shores at home while she was at work, I had to cook every day so when she came to home from work there would be food for her to eat. She wouldn’t let me to be in my own peace. I did everything and yet she’d always yell at me about how shit I am and then afterwards say sorry because “she had a bad day at work” that was the shittiest excuse ever. She abused me mentally a lot of times and her excuse was always something that had absolutely nothing to do with me, which I always found ridiculous and I still do. She also did lot of things like I should have understood between the lines what she wants and if I didn’t do it she’d again yell at me. At this point I was badly depressed, I had no job, I had no irl friends apart from one who I rarely saw, I was like a slave… Every day I would need to keep the door of my room open to hear if my mom had something to say. She didn’t allow me to keep the door closed in case she “wants to talk with me”. She would yell from the other side of the house and I would need to hear if she did that. Meanwhile, imagine if I did that?! The response “I can’t hear through the walls, if you want to talk to ME, then COME HERE!!”. Every day I would also need to go and have a walk with her and listen her open up about her “problems” at work etc. If she wanted to do something with me and if I refused it was the end of the world for her and I did “nothing”. I did everything for her but she was never happy.
I think she never understood how she treated me. I finally got out of it in 2015 when I got a job and I had to move to the city because there weren’t any bus lines from our home to the work place at summer time. So I had this excuse that I had to move and I finally got out of my mom’s control. After that our relationship has got better too, as we don’t see each other every day anymore.
My mom being like that was especially difficult during me being 12-16 years old too because during that time I was always bullied in school so I had mental abuse at home and at school… I only felt good when visiting my dad or staying a night at my friend’s house. But when it comes to my dad - lately the difficulties are with him because he developed alcoholism some years ago and that affects our relationship. He’s been trying to get better lately though and he made a promise of no alcohol this year but I don’t know if he’s been following that as we don’t see him often.
So yeah, this is probably not the most serious thing, but mental health is important. For the most time of my life I’ve hated myself and it’s very tough to deal with. But now I live alone in my own peace, I have a job etc so it’s all better now. But I see that my mom seems to care more for my sister than for me. My sister already has a family, they have bought a house and have a child etc. She’s helped them a lot financially and then she always keeps saying to me that if I need something she’d help too. But when I needed something suddenly she “didn’t have money” to help me. Meanwhile she gives thousands for my uncle to buy a new car, buys anything for my sister, pays my cousin’s trip to Sweden… (she has money because she sold the house we lived in, but if I need something she suddenly doesn’t have money lol). Well whatever, it’s better that I pay all my own things with my own money and don’t depend on anyone.
I’m kind of a failure of the family, I guess you’d expect these things from your oldest child, but I personally don’t even want children. I just want to live in my own peace and collect Pokemon cards. That makes me happy so that’s what I do.
What I’m thankful about is that so far I didn’t need to deal with someone dying during my life apart from one of my childhood friends taking her life, but I know the time will come sooner or later unfortunately as people get older… But it’s better not to think about it.
Also, sorry for all of this text. I didn’t mean to write so much but it happened. I rarely talk about these things anyways in general…