Hi everyone, so I know this is mainly a pokemon forum but I have asked some random life advice questions in the past and I think its garnered some really good answers/discussion. I wanted to ask this question as I recently started working full time (yay no more school), and with that on my own business so sometime the weeks are busier than others and since I have clients, the deadlines can be set by a mix of their expectations and my own planning. In some ways its great as I feel like I finally have the money to start saving for pokemon items Iāve put off. But as a result, I struggle with having like strict working hours.
As Iāve started to stabilize this part of my life, Iāve been struggling to figure out what the proper balance is in socializing with friends after work? I love seeing people, and I enjoy hanging out but I think I may be doing it too much which is causing this confusion. How often do yāall do it without negating your own work, and life responsibilities (chores/working out/cooking) and still feeling fulfilled?
Iām 37, a single custodial father, work full time, and run an ebay store. I have no substantial IRL social life lmao.
I think as you get older, and especially when you have kids, the younger social life naturally phases out. I find fulfillment primarily through my job - I went to school for it and I absolutely love what I do. Most of my social interactions irl come from my work. I have a few friends outside of work that I hangout with but itās like once a month, if that.
However, now that my son is in middle school and is getting older, we do a lot of stuff together, especially since heās into anime like One Piece and My Hero Academia. We went to Charlotte CAC a couple months ago and that was a lot of fun. I was able to meet up with some people from here/the community, too. I def love being able to meet up with friends I have online at conventions and other events, and it makes things way more real as opposed to feeling disconnected from people online. I never really understood how people can view friends from online different than friends from irl.
Not often enough but I appreciate the irony of your label flair being touch grass and then posting this.
Itās hard, man. Itās like super hard to make friends as an adult. Everyone is busy and not to be that annoying parent that makes everything about their kids but parenting is an altogether different kind of busy.
I go into the office twice a week. Every other week I rotate between a bible study and a pick up volleyball group. We see my in-laws every few weeks. Thatās basically it.
I intern 4 days out of the week and have class one day a week. Outside of that, I hangout with friends on the weekends and during the day I donāt work.
Iām also part of a Martial arts club at my school that meets late (like past 7pm), so after work I head that club once a week.
Even though I still socialize often, I did a lot more a year or two ago. Next year, it will probably be even less as I adjust to full-time.
I will go to watch football (the real one) during the season for all our home games so thatās August to may between 0-2 times a week obviously averaging out to once, I meet up with friends and run a local poker tournament league every Wednesday throughout the year and then I will probably go out and see my friends once, though rarely sometimes twice, in a week. For context Iām 31 and work full time.
I think a lot of the current social life as an adult also depends on your upbringing. I moved around often, and left where I was born and raised when I was 12, so I wasnāt really able to make those lifelong connections that others have. I also decided to do the whole drugs thing between 17 and 23, so not only did I ruin any relationships I had prior to that, I have had no interest at all in reconnecting with anyone I knew in addiction.
Maybe once a week, some weeks none. I have connections with friends in a text group and family the same way but in person is very minimal since being self sufficient is a double edged sword. I need to pick up a hobby that i can go out and enjoy without being immediately drained by others in it.
At this point in my life, my main social engagement is mainly in the public (my local Church) or with closer family. Iāve usually maintained a smaller friend group through my late 20s and now early 30s, but sadly I find people have moved away at times or my workload has continually increased to a point most weeks I just donāt want to do a whole lot come Friday or Saturday and I turn down invitations more and more. Then since Covid has happened things have never really felt the same to me in many ways across the board. Before all this Iād say Iād socialize at least 1-2 times a week, maybe less depending on the season.
I think itās good to have connections with people both in the short and long term. You can gain a lot of value from who you associate with over time, and itās good for your overall personal development. However, due to the internet and other communications.. a lot of this same value is being fostered online. I think thatās another factor that plays into things, people are getting a social āfillā online more and more to a point they donāt really care to go out in the world as much as they used to.
So anyway, I wouldnāt feel pressured or wonder if youāre āmissing outā on anything by not having a very active social life. As someone whose tried to maintain or build social connections more since Covid, itās honestly feels like a lot more work than it used to be. Maybe itās just me, but Iāve also read and been hearing a lot of the same problems over time lately. It can actually be very fulfilling or potentially very disappointing as well, depending on how it plays out. My main advice would be to lower expectations and to not take anything too serious with this and just enjoy your life the best you can and youāll be fine.
Less than once a week generally, lately itās been less than once a month but it varies.
Some friendship considerations:
Socialize when you want to, be honest with yourself and address yourself when youāre feeling pressured. Whether it is too much or too little is up to you and your friends.
Youāre not your friends biggest priority, or anything remotely close to it. This one is important, and especially easy to forget if you have close longtime friends and none of you have significant others. Friends can start to feel like family, but theyāre not. Theyāre friends, and whenever something more important than you comes up (family, wives, girlfriends, career advancement, pets, change of lifestyle, whatever) your relationship could end on a dime. Itās easy to over-invest in friends.
People often exclusively give you their lowest quality, least valuable time. That one friend youāll only ever meet between 17:30-21:00 on the third Thursday of every month. Sometimes itās a lot less obvious than that, but no less real. I canāt tell how many friendships Iāve seen end due to this dynamic.
I recently got bored of playing video games and fully stopped (Iām 26). I only really collect pokemon cards nowadays. Before I was extremely introverted (i still kinda am), but I started going outside and trying to socialize more often as of last Spring and now honestly all I do is socialize and go out with friends. Every day after work Iām out with coworkers and on weekends Iām always doing things now going on dates, events, etc. Iāve been really enjoying my new lifestyle change recently, I see a lot more color in the world now that I actually go outside instead of spending most of my free time gaming / inside.
You do you man. I had a very busy social life as a teenager/student, but couldnāt keep that up when the responsibilities started getting more. I sometimes envy people that have a big social life but then I remember it just isnāt for me. If the energy isnāt there it isnāt there.
I think a lot of people, myself included, start to run into this. Itās just part of getting older unfortunately. Friends get busy with work, start moving off, start families, and in general just start to get more responsibilities. It gets harder and harder to find the time and motivation and only gets worse as you get older. Itās not just you, is what Iām saying
I get together with friends and play cards once a week. Outside of that, we may go to 3-4 events each year.
Work takes up a lot of my time. I manage a programming team, so thereās a freaking ton of work always. We travel to conferences for work each quarter and stay gone a week at a time. Thereās enough socializing in that week to last me for a month lol.
Married and have 2 daughters. Theyāve got sports and we practice. I try to lift weights 6 days a week. We cook a lot of healthy meals. Thereās always something to do around the house.
I think itās pretty natural for social life to dry up as you get older with more and more responsibilities. The majority of my āsocializingā is with family nowadays.
I underappreciated the social convenience that youāre afforded during high school/college, though I canāt say I regret it. I was always very fond of video games and grew up playing MMOs like adventure quest, wow, club penguin, and guild wars. I also played hots, dota, cs, and league at the sweaty level and with school friends. These acted as vehicles for a lot of my social interaction outside of school hours, and I had fun ā I have fond memories ā Iām happy with how I spent that time.
I take it pretty chill now and work in hospitality, which gives me social interactions outside of my online spheres. Used to go bouldering, but then I got injured.
Frankly, socialising can also be quite expensive. The expense of a night out in Australia (at least Melbourne) can easily exceed $150-200. If youāre getting tickets to something like a gig or whatever, add on a further $100-200. Doing that regularly seems less justifiable as Iāve aged.
Oftentimes I find staying in and saving the $ to be the better decision, and Iām happy I found that out earlier on. Whatever your goals are, unless theyāre socially based, this line of action is usually whatāll help you progress fastest. Hearing Scott and Rudy speak about that back in 2015 was actually very constructive and positive for me, so figured Iād mention it here for anyone younger still.
Bringing up costs of a night out makes me wonder, for those who are social what is the physcial proximity to your social groups? Seems like it might be difficult to hang out several times a week if they are 45min away and no public transport runs to them.
I used to see my friends (back home) at least once a month. Things were easy because some of us were still in grad school and the others had flexible work hours (this was during the post-COVID years). Then life justā¦ happened, I guess? Some moved countries (for study and or work) and never looked back, some got married and have new priorities, and others ended up with more demanding work hours, etc.
For me personally, adding a social life on top of my daily work is honestly too much right now. I tried joining a book club or board game community after work, but I can only do so much. At the end of my workday I just want to sleep, and on the weekend I do laundry and clean my room. I try to call my mom once a week. Sometimes I call my sibling once every quarter, or catch up once a year with old friends. Maybe throw in a therapy session once a month for good measure and thatās it. And Iām content with that.
The point is, if you enjoy socializing after work and it genuinely brings you happiness, then do it. I used to go out once a week with friends (because I enjoyed it), and now I go out maybe once every other month (if I feel like it).
Hope you find your balance soon, and congratulations on your full-time job!
A lot actually, I usually go to after school clubs, text friends, and go to parties. Most of the time though I enjoy it more when Iām with my family however.
